Ah, it has been some time since I last blogged, as usual. I can't help it this time, I got really sick. I needed two injections and two trips to the doctor's which costs over a hundred dollars altogether. But the good news is that I've been able to get well enough to chat with friends for a short while every night XD But that is of course, at the expense of school, because I have skipped about four and a half days out of five!! But then again with my schedule it is not such a wonder why I got sick. I mean, tomorrow I have got something on, and half of next week is booked as well. I just hope I can bounce back fast enough. Damn, eighteen and a half and already feeling all the years is just... damn. Anyway, had some sushi and black pepper roasted chicken just now since my mom decided to stop over at JP before coming home from her eye check-up. It is times like these I think she is remotely nice XD Anyway, that is enough yapping for now, ciao! я тебя люблю XD
Time: 1600
Date: 30/04/2010
Friday, April 30, 2010
Monday, April 26, 2010
Ah, this is like the fifth day that I am sick. I really hate being sick... his time I have this really severe headache as well, for some strange reason. But that aside, my russian friend skyped with me for the past two nights in a row, and I got to hear his voice XD Man, I think that the russians all have beautiful voice! Ah, I literally spent the whole day asleept today, just like a pig... oh well, what to do, my head hurts too bad!
Time: 1855
Date: 26/04/2010
Time: 1855
Date: 26/04/2010
Monday, April 19, 2010
Saturday, April 10, 2010
Gosh, just two weeks since I am home and I am sick of everythig already! God help me, how am I supposed to stand the coming years when I can barely stand one day? I am sick of them all, trying to make each other look bad. Come on, they are supposed to be a family? When they act like that? It is no wonder why I am so not attached to them. No emotional ties whatsoever. I am sorry for sounding unfilial, but that is reality. I will never trust them after what they did to me, and after all the things they showed me. The only thing keeping me around right now is my responsibilities, and that is seriously messed up...
Time: 0905
Date: 11/04/2010
Time: 0905
Date: 11/04/2010
Tuesday, April 6, 2010
I absolutely hate it when my mother keeps telling me not to do something that I know deep down in my heart that I am going to love. I am the one who will be doing it, so why can't she, just for once, keep her mouth shut and let me do it? Why must she always spoil things for me, and then pin the blame on someone else? Am I really that stupid, or does she think that I am blind enough to actually let it pass just like that without noticing anything? One more time, just one more time she stops me from doing something I want to do, I am so going to flip. This is one of the reasons why I don't want to come back. Home is where the heart is, so it is said, but my heart is not here. It never has been, never will be here... fuck it.
Time: 2035
Date: 06/04/2010
Time: 2035
Date: 06/04/2010
Thursday, April 1, 2010
Finally finished updating the sixteen days that I was away for the trip. A part of me wants my friends to know what it was like for me to be out at sea, but a bigger part of me feels that reading the entries once more is like rubbing salt into the wound. It's been about four days since I signed off, but the pain is still there, the sense of loss is still as great as ever, and I miss them infinitely more. Damn, I sound like some fucking drama queen and I don't like that, but it is true. I don't like missing someone/ something, because in my opinion the reason you miss something is because you need it constantly in your life. By missing my life on Pallada, it shows that I grew too attached to it too soon, and it is not a very pleasant thing for me because I am not the type of person who gets attached. Not to my family, not to anyone or anything else. Damn, I have to get over this fast before I get even more fucked up...
Time: 2200
Date: 01/04/2010
Time: 2200
Date: 01/04/2010
*Continue
Day Fourteen:
Apparently I missed one of the days, but I guess it's alright. For the first time ever since the start of this trip, I got tired. We spent more or less the whole day on land at Hong Kong (Mongkok), and by two in the afternoon I've bought every single thing that I want and need to buy, and I was starting to miss the ship terribly. The first thing I said when I was back on board was: "I'm home!" Bought more food for the Cadets (snacks) because all of them don't like the food served on board. I got Siersh a separate stash, so I told Alex not to give him any. Damn, ruined my sailor shirt because Siersh tied me up straight-jacket style. had loads of fun playing and fooling around with him before spending another full hour massaging him. For some strange reason this time he was sitting so close to me, the only way I can sit comfortably was to actually let him sit in between my legs (because of my bruises I cannot really sit cross-legged). He still kept moving backwards until in the end I could not massage his lower back at all because it was pressing against my stomach. That guy is way too playful for someone with his looks and age (nineteen this year), but he is too adorable, so he tends to get away with almost everything, at least with me. Massaged a total of five guys despite feeling depressed, and ended up crying when I saw that there was only ten minutes left before I had to go to sleep. Alex (the one with the injured arm) and Roman (the guy with the missing front tooth) comforted me until one of the officers came by to chase us off to bed (the second officer I think).
Day Fifteen:
Woke up at slightly past half past six this morning and started packing up the last of my things. After that I took a little walk around the ship, seeing that I still had some time left before flag-raising. I cried then, already feeling burdened. After that I stood and looked out at the sea for one last time and ended up crying yet again. When the Captain made a speech I teared up, and did so again when I shook hands with him as I received my certificate and he held me close to comfort me. Almost every single person on board knew that I didn't want to leave. Managed to go around saying my goodbyes with a smile despite the fact that with each wave/ hug, my heart was crushed more. I hugged those that I spend a lot of time with, which was quite a few actually. When the ferry I was on finally pulled away from the Pallada, I cried as though my loved one had just died in front of me. The sense of loss was so great that up till today (about four days) I still have that feeling in my chest. Had lunch with the third officer, who joked with me and said that I could hide in his plastic bag as a stowaway. Roman and the two Alexes were at the pier when we sent of the third officer, so I hung out with them while waiting for the ferry to come back. Siersh had already boarded the ferry, so I didn't get to hug him for one last time, but I did manage to wave goodbye to him. After that Roman remained cleaved to my side throughout the entire forty-five or so minutes while waiting for the ferry. He was telling me how much he was going to miss me, wondered what he would do without me around to massage him, how he was going to survive the boring hours without being able to tease me. He also kept sniffing my hair despite the fact that I told him not to (I have not washed my hair for more than fourteen hours, I think). He also kissed me several times, but since the kisses were on my cheeks and (dirty) hair, I let it slide. The only time he let me go was when I was comforting babyskin Alex (the one with the injured arm), who was holding back tears. He finally made a move after I nagged at him several times, and took a picture with her. Then he and Roman brought her somewhere for a short walk and when he came back, he looked so sad and lost that my heart went out to him. All I had to do was shift away from Roman slightly and he immediately grabbed me and held me close. I comforted him as best I could, saying that he should be on Pallada when it comes to Singapore next February. The poor guy, he comforted me yesterday and held me close when I was crying, so it was my turn to do so today. He was the last one to board the ferry when it came because our arms were still around each other. The cadet manager, Edward, was the one who had to pry him away, he was that sad. I didn't really cry this time, but that was most probably because I had cried too much so many times that I ran out of tears. It had only been a couple of hours (more like sixteen or so) but I've already missed the ship and the people on board so very much. I wonder how I am going to get through this period. Even towards my own family I don't feel this strongly. But I have their email addresses (except for babyskin Alex's, which I will have to get from either Roman or the other Alex) so I will email them once I've settled down (more like once they have reached home and settled down). But seriously, I wonder how I am going to get through life on land after experiencing such peace and freedom out at sea.
Day Sixteen:
Didn't really have the time to do much today because we had to go to the airport at least three hours before our flight at 2015. Spent about two hours clearing the baggage, leaving us with no more than half an hour to spare for dinner. Ate a packet of regular fries before rushing off to the gate, arriving at 2000 exactly. Thankfully the boarding was a little delayed, because some of the SMA Cadets were late. But that means that we touched down later, but that's okay. I kept thinking of the Pallada throughout the whole journey back, and the ache didn't even ease despite the fact that it has been more than twenty four hours...
Day Fourteen:
Apparently I missed one of the days, but I guess it's alright. For the first time ever since the start of this trip, I got tired. We spent more or less the whole day on land at Hong Kong (Mongkok), and by two in the afternoon I've bought every single thing that I want and need to buy, and I was starting to miss the ship terribly. The first thing I said when I was back on board was: "I'm home!" Bought more food for the Cadets (snacks) because all of them don't like the food served on board. I got Siersh a separate stash, so I told Alex not to give him any. Damn, ruined my sailor shirt because Siersh tied me up straight-jacket style. had loads of fun playing and fooling around with him before spending another full hour massaging him. For some strange reason this time he was sitting so close to me, the only way I can sit comfortably was to actually let him sit in between my legs (because of my bruises I cannot really sit cross-legged). He still kept moving backwards until in the end I could not massage his lower back at all because it was pressing against my stomach. That guy is way too playful for someone with his looks and age (nineteen this year), but he is too adorable, so he tends to get away with almost everything, at least with me. Massaged a total of five guys despite feeling depressed, and ended up crying when I saw that there was only ten minutes left before I had to go to sleep. Alex (the one with the injured arm) and Roman (the guy with the missing front tooth) comforted me until one of the officers came by to chase us off to bed (the second officer I think).
Day Fifteen:
Woke up at slightly past half past six this morning and started packing up the last of my things. After that I took a little walk around the ship, seeing that I still had some time left before flag-raising. I cried then, already feeling burdened. After that I stood and looked out at the sea for one last time and ended up crying yet again. When the Captain made a speech I teared up, and did so again when I shook hands with him as I received my certificate and he held me close to comfort me. Almost every single person on board knew that I didn't want to leave. Managed to go around saying my goodbyes with a smile despite the fact that with each wave/ hug, my heart was crushed more. I hugged those that I spend a lot of time with, which was quite a few actually. When the ferry I was on finally pulled away from the Pallada, I cried as though my loved one had just died in front of me. The sense of loss was so great that up till today (about four days) I still have that feeling in my chest. Had lunch with the third officer, who joked with me and said that I could hide in his plastic bag as a stowaway. Roman and the two Alexes were at the pier when we sent of the third officer, so I hung out with them while waiting for the ferry to come back. Siersh had already boarded the ferry, so I didn't get to hug him for one last time, but I did manage to wave goodbye to him. After that Roman remained cleaved to my side throughout the entire forty-five or so minutes while waiting for the ferry. He was telling me how much he was going to miss me, wondered what he would do without me around to massage him, how he was going to survive the boring hours without being able to tease me. He also kept sniffing my hair despite the fact that I told him not to (I have not washed my hair for more than fourteen hours, I think). He also kissed me several times, but since the kisses were on my cheeks and (dirty) hair, I let it slide. The only time he let me go was when I was comforting babyskin Alex (the one with the injured arm), who was holding back tears. He finally made a move after I nagged at him several times, and took a picture with her. Then he and Roman brought her somewhere for a short walk and when he came back, he looked so sad and lost that my heart went out to him. All I had to do was shift away from Roman slightly and he immediately grabbed me and held me close. I comforted him as best I could, saying that he should be on Pallada when it comes to Singapore next February. The poor guy, he comforted me yesterday and held me close when I was crying, so it was my turn to do so today. He was the last one to board the ferry when it came because our arms were still around each other. The cadet manager, Edward, was the one who had to pry him away, he was that sad. I didn't really cry this time, but that was most probably because I had cried too much so many times that I ran out of tears. It had only been a couple of hours (more like sixteen or so) but I've already missed the ship and the people on board so very much. I wonder how I am going to get through this period. Even towards my own family I don't feel this strongly. But I have their email addresses (except for babyskin Alex's, which I will have to get from either Roman or the other Alex) so I will email them once I've settled down (more like once they have reached home and settled down). But seriously, I wonder how I am going to get through life on land after experiencing such peace and freedom out at sea.
Day Sixteen:
Didn't really have the time to do much today because we had to go to the airport at least three hours before our flight at 2015. Spent about two hours clearing the baggage, leaving us with no more than half an hour to spare for dinner. Ate a packet of regular fries before rushing off to the gate, arriving at 2000 exactly. Thankfully the boarding was a little delayed, because some of the SMA Cadets were late. But that means that we touched down later, but that's okay. I kept thinking of the Pallada throughout the whole journey back, and the ache didn't even ease despite the fact that it has been more than twenty four hours...
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