Desperate

Right now, I will seriously consider ANY way to get banana out of my mind, even for the shortest moment. I want him to return my mind and feelings back to me. HE IS A FREAKING TERRORIST! Where can I get help with these kinda terrorism? Haiz....






Time: 2230
Date: 31/08/2010

In Pain

God help me, it hurts so much that I cannot even cry. I saw him again, but time just was not on my side this time. Please, someone help me... I can no longer bear the pain... it hurts more than I thought it would, and seeing him again merely made it worse for some strange reason. I was almost resigned to the fact that I can never see him again, but I saw him one more time and it hurts all over again... T.T



Time: 0100
Date: 20/08/2010

Misery

The misery is still there, and nothing I do can ease the pain. But, at least I am able to pretend that everything is alright in front of everyone else. At least I can laugh and joke with my family, and make them laugh like I always do. Sometimes, just sometimes, pretending to be something else is not so bad after all. At least nobody will think that something wrong. Nobody reads my blog anyway, so I am safe here. God help me, I don't think I can pull through on my strength/ stubornness alone this time. Gosh, why is it that I can solve everybody else's problems but my own? Why is it that I can make all the major problems look like nothing, but my own small problems trip me up like this... gosh...

Time: 0120
Date: 11/08/2010

Considering

I actually considered doing it again just now, in the morning before I took the shower. Previously it was last night, when I bought bubble tea. Damn it, if I did it for the fourth time and I succeeded, I won't be able to go sailing. That was the only thing that stopped me from raiding the cabinet again once everybody is in their respective rooms. God help me, I think I seriously need help this time. I am this close to giving in to the temptation once more, and I am not sure that I am able to gather enough strength and will power to actually push the temptation away, since sailing is the only reason I am doing anything right now. God, if something happened to take sailing away... I don't even want to think about that. Not right now, not when I feel like I have lost everything else in my life. Nope, I shall not think of that...

Time: 2305
Date: 04/08/2010

Mind Made Up

I have decided that despite the fact that I am in a lot of pain right now, I am still going to keep smiling. It is the least I deserve to do, the least I could do for those who actually wonder why I am down. It's bad enough that I cannot function without thinking about the matter/ person. I absolutely refuse to stay down. After all, I am known for my ability to bounce back almost the moment I feel down. I just hope that it does not take me twice as long to get over as my first crush (one and a half years) because the first time, it was only half this intense... anyway, I am still going to smile through it all, just watch me....


Time: 0020
Date: 03/08/2010

Crush... or crushed??

I wonder what is coming over me, I've never been like this before. Hm... I didn't see him all day today, so I am guessing that he is not in school. But then again, I was so high yesterday because I saw him four times (and had two lollipops XD), not to mention the fact that he was wearing my favorite tee!!! But then... today it felt as though something was missing, something wasn't right. Damn it, I don't like feeling this way, and damn me for feeling this way in the first place...


Time: 2220
Date: 27/07/2010

Hurting

Damn, I didn't know having a crush would hurt this much. But then again, if it was easy, it wouldn't be called a crush, would it? But this is the first time I felt so strongly. Crap, I really did make an effort to be friendly, smiling at him when we walk past each other. But today is the third (or fourth) time he ignored me when I smiled at him! Oh my gosh! I am used to being ignored, but why does it still hurt anyway? Haiz... thinking of giving up, but somehow, just somehow... the feelings are still there, still as strong. What in the world am I going to do with myself? At this rate, I think I'll get my first boyfriend only after I retire -.-


Time: 0000
Date: 22/07/2010