Emptiness...

Despite the fact that today was pretty okay, could have been enjoyable in fact, but it feels rather empty for me. Even with the additional money which means I can now meet up with my friends without any worries, I still wonder why it feels different. It might be my last for a while as well... the emptiness somehow bothers me... -.-








Time: 2205
Date: 10/09/2010

Hari Raya...

To think that I have completely no mood for Hari Raya this year. My mind is completely taken up by him, as well as the TNTA Program. I really want in on that program, it is the only thing that is keeping me sane right now. I can't believe that even now, during this 'festive' season, I am still thinking about him, wondering what he is doing. Seriously, it used to take a lot more than just this to get me down and keep me down. Damn it, I want him to return the old me back, the old me who didn't give a damn about anything and everything, because now I just care too damn much about things I didn't even notice before... damn...


Time: 0100
Date: 10/09/2010

Song...

I was listening to a song and before I realised it, I had tweaked the lyrics in my head... so I typed it out, and here it is, the destroyed version of the song -.-:

Waiting here, for you to see me
For you to notice me so that a friendship can take place
Waiting here, in the corner, feeling transparent
You were supposed to notice me
I'm so sorry now, for running so far
Won’t you please notice me…?

But you are going away soon
You won’t stay long anyway…
There’s a look in your eyes
No need for friendship, I'm leaving…
Without you there, I'm hopeless…

In this school, I'm walking aimless
Feeling helpless, without support from anyone
And in my heart, I miss you so much
I'm dreading the day you leave without a single word
I'm so sorry now, for hiding from you
Won’t you please notice me…?

But you are going away soon
You won’t stay long anyway…
There’s a look in your eyes
No need for friendship, I'm leaving
Without you there, I'm hopeless…

Oh banana, I'm sorry… sorry…

But you are going away soon
You won’t stay long anyway…
There’s a look in your eyes
No need for friendship, I'm leaving…
Without you there, I'm hopeless…

Time: 0100
Date: 03/09/2010

Desperate

Right now, I will seriously consider ANY way to get banana out of my mind, even for the shortest moment. I want him to return my mind and feelings back to me. HE IS A FREAKING TERRORIST! Where can I get help with these kinda terrorism? Haiz....






Time: 2230
Date: 31/08/2010

In Pain

God help me, it hurts so much that I cannot even cry. I saw him again, but time just was not on my side this time. Please, someone help me... I can no longer bear the pain... it hurts more than I thought it would, and seeing him again merely made it worse for some strange reason. I was almost resigned to the fact that I can never see him again, but I saw him one more time and it hurts all over again... T.T



Time: 0100
Date: 20/08/2010

Misery

The misery is still there, and nothing I do can ease the pain. But, at least I am able to pretend that everything is alright in front of everyone else. At least I can laugh and joke with my family, and make them laugh like I always do. Sometimes, just sometimes, pretending to be something else is not so bad after all. At least nobody will think that something wrong. Nobody reads my blog anyway, so I am safe here. God help me, I don't think I can pull through on my strength/ stubornness alone this time. Gosh, why is it that I can solve everybody else's problems but my own? Why is it that I can make all the major problems look like nothing, but my own small problems trip me up like this... gosh...

Time: 0120
Date: 11/08/2010

Considering

I actually considered doing it again just now, in the morning before I took the shower. Previously it was last night, when I bought bubble tea. Damn it, if I did it for the fourth time and I succeeded, I won't be able to go sailing. That was the only thing that stopped me from raiding the cabinet again once everybody is in their respective rooms. God help me, I think I seriously need help this time. I am this close to giving in to the temptation once more, and I am not sure that I am able to gather enough strength and will power to actually push the temptation away, since sailing is the only reason I am doing anything right now. God, if something happened to take sailing away... I don't even want to think about that. Not right now, not when I feel like I have lost everything else in my life. Nope, I shall not think of that...

Time: 2305
Date: 04/08/2010