The energizer bunny going into overdrive!!

I seriously think something is wired wrongly up in my head, lol! Whenever I get tired, I start to think about things I normally would not think about, like my relationships with my friends, that is if I have any at all. I just found out just how pessimistic I am, well, according to one of my friends anyway. Is it really that bad, to want to protect yourself? I trusted people before, people I thought would never betray me, and I was wrong. I mean, if family members can betray each other, let alone strangers, who have no blood relation or bond whatsoever. I don't bond, and that makes my mother really depressed, and my sister worried for some strange reason. I won't mention why here, though I don't think anyone reads my blog anyway. I have always been a lone wolf, and I think, will always be one... right now I am kind of stuck with a group of people. Actually I am not really stuck with them, but rather, I am stuck because of them. They are nice to me, protective, sometimes sweet... making me laugh and smile, etc... and I can't help but start feeling rather defensive. I am starting to second guess the reasons why they are being so nice to me. I've been taught the hard way, always second guess people's motives for being nice. I took things for granted once, and when the blows came, I more or less fell apart. Thank god I was younger then, which meant I learnt pretty early on.

Three lessons I learnt:

1) Never reach out to somebody else, especially when I am in trouble.
2) Never depend on anyone else but myself.
3) Never trust someone with my heart.

I learned all of the above in primary and lower secondary. It's amazing to me even now, how I managed to get through that period. I may have forgiven the people in question, but I am the type who never lets go. Because if I do, everything might unravel itself, and I'll fall apart once more. I moved on with more anger than I did with purpose, but it has served me well, that anger. It kept me safe and protected all along...

But on a more cheerful note, I think I have a pretty good chance to go sailing this March! Let's hope I can pick the slot, because the second slot would suit me better, no thanks to my job. If I take the second slot, I would only have to get a replacement teacher for a week. Otherwise I would have to get a replacement teacher for two weeks, and I don't think it would reflect well on me because I did commit ten whole weeks to teach those secondary school students. Hm, if I get to go, I'm going to do a lot of shopping, maybe buy some things from Disneyland as well (that is if we have time to go shopping)! It's going to be yet another busy week for me, but I am looking forward to it! I am SMA's energizer bunny, lol. I certainly will not give in to fatigue (as though I have done so before, lol)! Shida hwaiting! Hahahahahahaha

Time: 2310
Date: 11/01/2010