Starting from Scratch

Given my past experiences, I have to learn several things from scratch once more after I got into a relationship. They mainly are trust and love. I have stopped trusting people for so long now, I forgot how to do it. I have shied away from love for so long, I don't know how to show affection to anyone and neither am I comfortable accepting the fact that there is someone who cares about me enough to be concerned about my well-being and happiness. I know I have to try harder, but somehow, I seem to need the time we don't have. But after all that has been said and done, I will still give my all, do my best and hope that it is enough for him...



Time: 2115
Date: 06/12/2010

Update

God, it has been such a long time since I updated my blog, hahahahaha. Hm... I've been busy with school I guess. I just completed my BST last week, and boy, wasn't that fun! Got a little bruised up, but hey, all in the name of fun HEHE. Life's been treating me better now than before. Not as smooth as I would like it to be I guess, but definitely not as bumpy as before. Hell, I think that I may even be happy now, LOL. I wonder what is it that I feel whenever I see him. I don't know what it is, but I like feeling like that. I have never met someone like him, he changed my opinion on certain things I guess... but whatever it is, I am just going to enjoy the moment. I am not going to think of the future, not when I can barely catch up with the present lol :)


Time: 1030
Date: 10/11/2010

Random :)

Hm... I am so happy recently, but then again, I'm a little depressed when I think that I am going to be separated from the reason(s) why I am happy when I go sailing. But then again, sailing is what I have always wanted, so it's not going to be so bad after all. At least I know my last six months ashore will not be boring. Three weeks filled with laughter and joy... that is a whole lot more than I expected when I first went for the interview. But then again, it could be due to the fact that I am actually very happy and relieved that I managed to get a spot in the TNTA program. But hell, who cares anyway as long as I am happy XD



Time: 0915
Date: 16/10/2010

Happy

I had no idea that I could be this happy on shore... god, I think I might love my class, they are so god damn nice! Ah... might be a little too early to say though, but so far, everything has been smooth sailing, and there are talks of having a chalet in December, near the Christmas period. Hope that is true, I kinda want to have one event with them before we all go our separate ways :)






Time: 0740
Date: 09/10/2010

Got Everything

I got everything I wanted, which is damn great, but the thing is, there is this guy in class who somehow reminds me of Banana, so I called him Mini Me. Mini Me is like a smaller, shorter version of Banana, with the wrong skin tone, etc. But somehow, just somehow, there is just something about him that reminds me very strongly of Banana, so much so that I have a little trouble talking to him normally. But then again, I did talk to him, not like I ignored the guy when he was talking to me, hahahaha. Well, it's been like, almost seven months now? It should be coming to an end soon right? So why is the feeling still as strong despite not seeing him for more than a month now? Damn it... this is getting way out of hand -.-



Time; 2100
Date: 28/09/2010

At last XD

Finally, for the first time in months, I feel light enough to actually smile genuinely. After everything that has happened, getting the company truly made everything alright once more, at least for now. Thank god, seriously, because without this, I have no idea what I was going to do, or how I am going to deal. Now I'll be too busy to focus on anything but the TNTA, so it is so much better. It gives me time, so that in the future when I look back at the issue, it won't throw me off my feet like it used to...


Thank god :)


Time: 0050
Date: 22/09/2010

Interview

I have an interview coming up, and I am as nervous as hell. I want the TNTA Program thngy so bad, it seems that it is all I can think about. But then again, if I don't think about that, I will think about things I don't want to think about. As it is, whenever I close my eyes, I see something I don't want to see... god knows how hard it is for me to go to sleep nowadays. Okay, for now I shall focus on the TNTA, it is all I have got for now (which is rather pathetic, actually).



Time: 0120
Date: 15/09/2010

Emptiness...

Despite the fact that today was pretty okay, could have been enjoyable in fact, but it feels rather empty for me. Even with the additional money which means I can now meet up with my friends without any worries, I still wonder why it feels different. It might be my last for a while as well... the emptiness somehow bothers me... -.-








Time: 2205
Date: 10/09/2010

Hari Raya...

To think that I have completely no mood for Hari Raya this year. My mind is completely taken up by him, as well as the TNTA Program. I really want in on that program, it is the only thing that is keeping me sane right now. I can't believe that even now, during this 'festive' season, I am still thinking about him, wondering what he is doing. Seriously, it used to take a lot more than just this to get me down and keep me down. Damn it, I want him to return the old me back, the old me who didn't give a damn about anything and everything, because now I just care too damn much about things I didn't even notice before... damn...


Time: 0100
Date: 10/09/2010

Song...

I was listening to a song and before I realised it, I had tweaked the lyrics in my head... so I typed it out, and here it is, the destroyed version of the song -.-:

Waiting here, for you to see me
For you to notice me so that a friendship can take place
Waiting here, in the corner, feeling transparent
You were supposed to notice me
I'm so sorry now, for running so far
Won’t you please notice me…?

But you are going away soon
You won’t stay long anyway…
There’s a look in your eyes
No need for friendship, I'm leaving…
Without you there, I'm hopeless…

In this school, I'm walking aimless
Feeling helpless, without support from anyone
And in my heart, I miss you so much
I'm dreading the day you leave without a single word
I'm so sorry now, for hiding from you
Won’t you please notice me…?

But you are going away soon
You won’t stay long anyway…
There’s a look in your eyes
No need for friendship, I'm leaving
Without you there, I'm hopeless…

Oh banana, I'm sorry… sorry…

But you are going away soon
You won’t stay long anyway…
There’s a look in your eyes
No need for friendship, I'm leaving…
Without you there, I'm hopeless…

Time: 0100
Date: 03/09/2010

Desperate

Right now, I will seriously consider ANY way to get banana out of my mind, even for the shortest moment. I want him to return my mind and feelings back to me. HE IS A FREAKING TERRORIST! Where can I get help with these kinda terrorism? Haiz....






Time: 2230
Date: 31/08/2010

In Pain

God help me, it hurts so much that I cannot even cry. I saw him again, but time just was not on my side this time. Please, someone help me... I can no longer bear the pain... it hurts more than I thought it would, and seeing him again merely made it worse for some strange reason. I was almost resigned to the fact that I can never see him again, but I saw him one more time and it hurts all over again... T.T



Time: 0100
Date: 20/08/2010

Misery

The misery is still there, and nothing I do can ease the pain. But, at least I am able to pretend that everything is alright in front of everyone else. At least I can laugh and joke with my family, and make them laugh like I always do. Sometimes, just sometimes, pretending to be something else is not so bad after all. At least nobody will think that something wrong. Nobody reads my blog anyway, so I am safe here. God help me, I don't think I can pull through on my strength/ stubornness alone this time. Gosh, why is it that I can solve everybody else's problems but my own? Why is it that I can make all the major problems look like nothing, but my own small problems trip me up like this... gosh...

Time: 0120
Date: 11/08/2010

Considering

I actually considered doing it again just now, in the morning before I took the shower. Previously it was last night, when I bought bubble tea. Damn it, if I did it for the fourth time and I succeeded, I won't be able to go sailing. That was the only thing that stopped me from raiding the cabinet again once everybody is in their respective rooms. God help me, I think I seriously need help this time. I am this close to giving in to the temptation once more, and I am not sure that I am able to gather enough strength and will power to actually push the temptation away, since sailing is the only reason I am doing anything right now. God, if something happened to take sailing away... I don't even want to think about that. Not right now, not when I feel like I have lost everything else in my life. Nope, I shall not think of that...

Time: 2305
Date: 04/08/2010

Mind Made Up

I have decided that despite the fact that I am in a lot of pain right now, I am still going to keep smiling. It is the least I deserve to do, the least I could do for those who actually wonder why I am down. It's bad enough that I cannot function without thinking about the matter/ person. I absolutely refuse to stay down. After all, I am known for my ability to bounce back almost the moment I feel down. I just hope that it does not take me twice as long to get over as my first crush (one and a half years) because the first time, it was only half this intense... anyway, I am still going to smile through it all, just watch me....


Time: 0020
Date: 03/08/2010

Crush... or crushed??

I wonder what is coming over me, I've never been like this before. Hm... I didn't see him all day today, so I am guessing that he is not in school. But then again, I was so high yesterday because I saw him four times (and had two lollipops XD), not to mention the fact that he was wearing my favorite tee!!! But then... today it felt as though something was missing, something wasn't right. Damn it, I don't like feeling this way, and damn me for feeling this way in the first place...


Time: 2220
Date: 27/07/2010

Hurting

Damn, I didn't know having a crush would hurt this much. But then again, if it was easy, it wouldn't be called a crush, would it? But this is the first time I felt so strongly. Crap, I really did make an effort to be friendly, smiling at him when we walk past each other. But today is the third (or fourth) time he ignored me when I smiled at him! Oh my gosh! I am used to being ignored, but why does it still hurt anyway? Haiz... thinking of giving up, but somehow, just somehow... the feelings are still there, still as strong. What in the world am I going to do with myself? At this rate, I think I'll get my first boyfriend only after I retire -.-


Time: 0000
Date: 22/07/2010

Plunging into...

God, what in the world was I thinking, admitting that I had a crush to my friends. Now I am actually going to have to do something about it!!! I would rather climb up in the air on a poundingship and take the chances of falling into shark infested waters. I think that is a lot safer. Why do I always end up fearing the outcome of things like these? Damn, if I could jump into South China Sea without a lifejacket on, I could do anything, or so I thought. Damn it, damn my big mouth, damn ME!!!!




Time: 2250
Date: 19/07/2010

Dating -.-

Hm, I am turning nineteen in about two weeks' time, yet up till now I have yet to go on a single date. What do I say, I am always the best friend, never the girlfriend. But somehow, I think that I should take my time. I mean come on, am I the only person who thinks that I am a little bit too young to start dating just anyone? Hm... I got freaked out about this matter at least four times already, and I am doing my best to remain out of sight from Banana. Haiz, I would prefer to think that he doesn't know I exist. It is so much easier for everyone. I am sure I can get over this crush over time, though I don't know just how long that is going to take because I think this is the first time I had such a strong crush on a guy. Crap, just going to have to distract myself enough to get over this, I know I can... or actually, I know I should... haiz...


Time: 0020
Date: 16/07/2010

Oh my god, I cannot believe I wasted my life, staying up all night to watch the World Cup finale. I mean come on, througout the whole match (lasted two freaking hours -.-) I think the only people who did not get the yellow card were the goalkeepers and referees. Damn, that was the only action throughout the whole match, until the 116th minute when Spain scored a goal. Throughout the remaining four minutes or so, they wasted even more time running around the field. Damn... two teams and not a single hot guy?! But that aside, I saw Banana two times today (usually three, but today my lessons were cut short when one of the lecturers went for MEL Camp) and he was wearing this damn nice tee! There was white print on it, and looks damn basic and simple, but it is the color of the tee that I so love! Oh my gosh, I wonder where he got his tees from, because the colors have a wide range! I've seen him in the basic white and black, this beautiful blue, red, yellow... yeah, I also seldom see guys wear yellow, hence I think he has good taste, hahaha. Thank god he is fair (but makes me think if he ever went sailing, since it is inevitable that you get dark after sailing for a while) and all colors look good on him. Hm, I think that is enough ranting for one night XD Ciao!

Time: 2315
Date: 112/07/2010

Crap, Banana is becoming a fixture in my mind. I talk about him, think about him, daydream about him... shit, becoming an obsession of mine!!! Haiz, must get over this crush before i end up getting my heart, spleen, liver, kidneys, small and large intestines, gall bladder, bladder and other internal organ broken... AND I HAVE A FEELING HE IS ALREADY ATTACHED!!! T.T

GG



Time: 0030
Date: 05/07/2010

Haiz, it has been quite a while since I last posted an entry, not that my life has been blogworthy of late. Not to mention the fact that I was too busy as well. Hm, I have officially decided to call MG Banana dude (because of the bright yellow tee he was wearing yesterday) and my sister christened him Banana Maersk. Now that I think about it, Banana Maersk does have a cute lil sound to it, so I guess it sticks. Saw him only once today and dashed into the toilet. Considering the fact that I actually made a fool of myself two times in front of him before, I am not taking the risk of seeing him again -.- Besides, I'd rather admire from afar, hahahahaha!! Anyway, that's all (pretty pathetic if you asked me) for now, so till next time, ciao!




Time: 1910
Date: 01/07/2010

I am waiting to see how long it takes for my friends to notice that I have disappeared from the conversation, and it is depressing to realise that they will most probably not notice at all...







Time: 2320
DAte: 08/06/2010

Ah, it has been a while since I last blogged. Haiz, I really hate studying because my family makessuch snide remarks about me actually studying. But when I don't, they nag at me. What am I supposed to do then, huh?! Life's been pretty okay, I found a friend who was willing to entertain my nonsense, for now that is XD And he introduced me to another two friends I find very interesting. Watched a movie after studying one whole day yesterday, and it was good (there was a hot and cute guy, lol!). That is all for now, I guess XD and damn, I just realised that I am growing old too fast!!!





Time: 1225
Date: 06/06/2010

Hm, I saw three damn cute guys today, two of which have damn hot figures!! LOL!! But then again, I only like one of them, the first one I saw today (but he is a damn smoker!!!) I think I have a thing for tall guys (especially those at least one head taller than me) in the boiler suit (or is it just him??). But then again, as much as I enjoy looking at those guys... damn, I still am a sentimental fuck even after two and a half months...






Tine: 2020
Date: 24/05/2010

Why is it that the harder I try to forget something, the more I remember? It is tortorous, to be thinking about it day in and day out, knowing that it will never happen, it will never come. Shit, this is turning me into a sentimental fuck. What is worse is tha I don't think I can bring myself to hate it to... sentimental fuck! Shit!!




Time: 2200
Date: 22/05/2010

Thank god I passed the eye sight test. And yes, I am as low as to consider smashing the paper (stating that I passed) into the Captain's face. But he should thank his lucky starts that thinking of something and actually doing it are two entirely different things, though I am sure the sin is as big in both cases...





Time: 2250
Date: 20/05/2010

Gosh, I nearly killed a lecturer who dared to tell me to put my dreams on hold indefinitely. Granted he had more experience and had a point when he mentioned my family, but how dare he use those as an excuse to stop me from what I want to do?! I am going to another lecturer for advice and I am so going to flip if he stopped me too! In fact, the more they stop me, the more I am going to find a way to do as soon as I graduate! Just wait and see!





Time: 2025
Date: 18/05/2010

I just realise that my friends are blogging more frequently than I am, which is saying something considering the fact that I used to blog every day/ every other day. But then again, right now I don't think that my life is blog worthy, considering the fact that I actually have nothing to look forward to now apart from taking my BST (which will cost me a fucking $890) and looking for a Company. Nothing had ever seemed this important to me before, and I can't help but wonder, was I really that laidback about my future before? For the first time in my life, I am actually anxious about something. But I kind of like it, for the first time I seem to have purpose in life (even though to come and think about it, my purpose now is to leave everythng and everyone behind). Anyway, that should be all for now, I shall try to come back soon to update. Not thatanyone reads my blog anyway :/

Time: 2310
Date: 11/05/2010

What is with people and wisdom teeth? Mine haven't even grown yet T.T hahahahahahaha! But then again, I don't think I want it to come out, it simply means that I am getting old. Ah, it is May already. I can't help but worry about the company thing, will I be able to get into a company before I graduate? I also want to go to Vladivostok in September so bad, it is the other thing on my mind apart from the company thing. Then I realised, all the things that I want very badly (enough to give up a lot of things for) involve me leaving. Damn, that means that something is very wrong...


Time: 1615
Date: 07/05/2010

Ah, it has been some time since I last blogged, as usual. I can't help it this time, I got really sick. I needed two injections and two trips to the doctor's which costs over a hundred dollars altogether. But the good news is that I've been able to get well enough to chat with friends for a short while every night XD But that is of course, at the expense of school, because I have skipped about four and a half days out of five!! But then again with my schedule it is not such a wonder why I got sick. I mean, tomorrow I have got something on, and half of next week is booked as well. I just hope I can bounce back fast enough. Damn, eighteen and a half and already feeling all the years is just... damn. Anyway, had some sushi and black pepper roasted chicken just now since my mom decided to stop over at JP before coming home from her eye check-up. It is times like these I think she is remotely nice XD Anyway, that is enough yapping for now, ciao! я тебя люблю XD

Time: 1600
Date: 30/04/2010

Ah, this is like the fifth day that I am sick. I really hate being sick... his time I have this really severe headache as well, for some strange reason. But that aside, my russian friend skyped with me for the past two nights in a row, and I got to hear his voice XD Man, I think that the russians all have beautiful voice! Ah, I literally spent the whole day asleept today, just like a pig... oh well, what to do, my head hurts too bad!






Time: 1855
Date: 26/04/2010

я мисс сергей так, это чувствует, как если бы мое сердце собирается разорваться...

Time: 2110
date: 19/04/2010

Gosh, just two weeks since I am home and I am sick of everythig already! God help me, how am I supposed to stand the coming years when I can barely stand one day? I am sick of them all, trying to make each other look bad. Come on, they are supposed to be a family? When they act like that? It is no wonder why I am so not attached to them. No emotional ties whatsoever. I am sorry for sounding unfilial, but that is reality. I will never trust them after what they did to me, and after all the things they showed me. The only thing keeping me around right now is my responsibilities, and that is seriously messed up...

Time: 0905
Date: 11/04/2010

I absolutely hate it when my mother keeps telling me not to do something that I know deep down in my heart that I am going to love. I am the one who will be doing it, so why can't she, just for once, keep her mouth shut and let me do it? Why must she always spoil things for me, and then pin the blame on someone else? Am I really that stupid, or does she think that I am blind enough to actually let it pass just like that without noticing anything? One more time, just one more time she stops me from doing something I want to do, I am so going to flip. This is one of the reasons why I don't want to come back. Home is where the heart is, so it is said, but my heart is not here. It never has been, never will be here... fuck it.

Time: 2035
Date: 06/04/2010

Finally finished updating the sixteen days that I was away for the trip. A part of me wants my friends to know what it was like for me to be out at sea, but a bigger part of me feels that reading the entries once more is like rubbing salt into the wound. It's been about four days since I signed off, but the pain is still there, the sense of loss is still as great as ever, and I miss them infinitely more. Damn, I sound like some fucking drama queen and I don't like that, but it is true. I don't like missing someone/ something, because in my opinion the reason you miss something is because you need it constantly in your life. By missing my life on Pallada, it shows that I grew too attached to it too soon, and it is not a very pleasant thing for me because I am not the type of person who gets attached. Not to my family, not to anyone or anything else. Damn, I have to get over this fast before I get even more fucked up...

Time: 2200
Date: 01/04/2010

*Continue

Day Fourteen:

Apparently I missed one of the days, but I guess it's alright. For the first time ever since the start of this trip, I got tired. We spent more or less the whole day on land at Hong Kong (Mongkok), and by two in the afternoon I've bought every single thing that I want and need to buy, and I was starting to miss the ship terribly. The first thing I said when I was back on board was: "I'm home!" Bought more food for the Cadets (snacks) because all of them don't like the food served on board. I got Siersh a separate stash, so I told Alex not to give him any. Damn, ruined my sailor shirt because Siersh tied me up straight-jacket style. had loads of fun playing and fooling around with him before spending another full hour massaging him. For some strange reason this time he was sitting so close to me, the only way I can sit comfortably was to actually let him sit in between my legs (because of my bruises I cannot really sit cross-legged). He still kept moving backwards until in the end I could not massage his lower back at all because it was pressing against my stomach. That guy is way too playful for someone with his looks and age (nineteen this year), but he is too adorable, so he tends to get away with almost everything, at least with me. Massaged a total of five guys despite feeling depressed, and ended up crying when I saw that there was only ten minutes left before I had to go to sleep. Alex (the one with the injured arm) and Roman (the guy with the missing front tooth) comforted me until one of the officers came by to chase us off to bed (the second officer I think).

Day Fifteen:

Woke up at slightly past half past six this morning and started packing up the last of my things. After that I took a little walk around the ship, seeing that I still had some time left before flag-raising. I cried then, already feeling burdened. After that I stood and looked out at the sea for one last time and ended up crying yet again. When the Captain made a speech I teared up, and did so again when I shook hands with him as I received my certificate and he held me close to comfort me. Almost every single person on board knew that I didn't want to leave. Managed to go around saying my goodbyes with a smile despite the fact that with each wave/ hug, my heart was crushed more. I hugged those that I spend a lot of time with, which was quite a few actually. When the ferry I was on finally pulled away from the Pallada, I cried as though my loved one had just died in front of me. The sense of loss was so great that up till today (about four days) I still have that feeling in my chest. Had lunch with the third officer, who joked with me and said that I could hide in his plastic bag as a stowaway. Roman and the two Alexes were at the pier when we sent of the third officer, so I hung out with them while waiting for the ferry to come back. Siersh had already boarded the ferry, so I didn't get to hug him for one last time, but I did manage to wave goodbye to him. After that Roman remained cleaved to my side throughout the entire forty-five or so minutes while waiting for the ferry. He was telling me how much he was going to miss me, wondered what he would do without me around to massage him, how he was going to survive the boring hours without being able to tease me. He also kept sniffing my hair despite the fact that I told him not to (I have not washed my hair for more than fourteen hours, I think). He also kissed me several times, but since the kisses were on my cheeks and (dirty) hair, I let it slide. The only time he let me go was when I was comforting babyskin Alex (the one with the injured arm), who was holding back tears. He finally made a move after I nagged at him several times, and took a picture with her. Then he and Roman brought her somewhere for a short walk and when he came back, he looked so sad and lost that my heart went out to him. All I had to do was shift away from Roman slightly and he immediately grabbed me and held me close. I comforted him as best I could, saying that he should be on Pallada when it comes to Singapore next February. The poor guy, he comforted me yesterday and held me close when I was crying, so it was my turn to do so today. He was the last one to board the ferry when it came because our arms were still around each other. The cadet manager, Edward, was the one who had to pry him away, he was that sad. I didn't really cry this time, but that was most probably because I had cried too much so many times that I ran out of tears. It had only been a couple of hours (more like sixteen or so) but I've already missed the ship and the people on board so very much. I wonder how I am going to get through this period. Even towards my own family I don't feel this strongly. But I have their email addresses (except for babyskin Alex's, which I will have to get from either Roman or the other Alex) so I will email them once I've settled down (more like once they have reached home and settled down). But seriously, I wonder how I am going to get through life on land after experiencing such peace and freedom out at sea.

Day Sixteen:

Didn't really have the time to do much today because we had to go to the airport at least three hours before our flight at 2015. Spent about two hours clearing the baggage, leaving us with no more than half an hour to spare for dinner. Ate a packet of regular fries before rushing off to the gate, arriving at 2000 exactly. Thankfully the boarding was a little delayed, because some of the SMA Cadets were late. But that means that we touched down later, but that's okay. I kept thinking of the Pallada throughout the whole journey back, and the ache didn't even ease despite the fact that it has been more than twenty four hours...

I am back, but my heart and mind is still back on the Pallada. I will be transferring my experiences which I have recorded down in my little journal over to my blog. I think most people might find it a little boring, but hey, the sea-life is not for everyone, that is something I am very certain of. Well, here goes:

Day One:

Today we more or less slacked the whole day. The soup served is nice but I didn't really like the pasta, it tasted very weird. The weather was good and the sea was quite smooth by my standards. Made friends with a couple of Russians while Li Jie and I sat at the bow to star-gaze. But it was more or less too dark for me to actually see their faces, so I had no idea who I was talking to, lol!

Day Two:

The weather is still fine today, albeit hot. I got a little burnt on my right arm because I was doing some ropework and I had my side facing the hot afternoon sun. Later in the day, we climbed the mast. Since I was stationed at the main mast, I climbed that one :D The rope part was easy, but I had so much trouble climbing up the platform. A couple of guys helped to pull me up, but on the whole, the thing went well and I managed to climb up to the second platform as well. But once again, at the second platform I had some trouble, and the guy up there helped to pull me up but he pulled me up from behind, so my harness choked me. Added to that, my cap was blown off, and the string had entangled itself around my neck. My face had turned red by the time I managed to get onto the platform, and I was gasping for breath so my friends thought that I was having an asthma attack. Going down was worse because I got so nervous that my thighs cramped up, refusing to let me move up or down. A guy had to keep his arms around me not only to make me feel secure, but to keep me safe because by this time, the wind had picked up speed. But I am glad to say that despite my anxiety, I managed to climb up to the bramsel :D But what really made my day was the fact that there was a small group of delfin (dolphins really, trying out my Russian,lol!) swam beside us for like ten minutes. They were so adorable! It was most probably the best sight that I've ever seen in my eighteen and a half years of life.

Day Three:

I woke up with an aching body, but still looking forward to what the day has in store for me. I did the usual duties like sweeping the deck and polishing the metal, but I also climbed the mast for the second time today. This time it was easier for me to go down, but I still had a little trouble climbing up the platform. The wind picked up speed yet again today, so there was some pitching. 4 people got seaick, including Elaine as usual. But I had fun, the motion rocked me to sleep. The wind was so strong that when we were climbing up, Sheng Hao's spectacles were blown off and ended up somewhere in the South China Sea. I may be fine going down, but all the same, the Russians discussed and agreed that those who were partnered with girls (including me) clipped themselves to their partners just in case the wind blew us offbalance. In fact, I was halfway up the mast when the ship pounded. Both hands were firmly on the rail as they were supposed to be, but one of my feet was already on the way to the next rope, so I was a little shocked and went "Oh!". My partner immediately grabbed my wrist tightly, thinking that I had lost my grip. But I quickly regained my composure and continued scaling up once the ship stabilized a little.

Day Four:

Today was pretty much normal (as compared to the rest of the sailing days so far) and we didn't have to climb the mast today. The good news was that the ship is no longer pitching. But the bad news was that it started pounding instead so those who were seasick yesterday got even worse. I was fine until I walked past the mass room, and the smell of the stinky food got to me. I felt nauseaus for a moment, but once I rushed away from the room, I immediately felt loads better. I got back on deck and spent a whole hour at the bow just watching the waves. Skipped lunch, tea and dinner, eating apples and two digestive biscuits to sustain me. But still, I had a great time.

Day Five:

We didn't climb the mast today, but we did have something new to do. We were asked to sand all the metal bits (bars and pulleys) at the Kofelnagel near the Grot Machta. We started with seven people, who barely finished one of the smaller Kofelnagel before leaving the other four to me and Sheng Hao. I grew darker again, working in the hot sun. Damn, when I get back to Singapore I am going to need a lot of whitening lotion!! Since it was my duty day again (for the toilet) I took a shower. I decided to bathe on alternate days (but actually ended up bathing every single day) because of my oily scalp/ hair problem. I skipped lunch and had instant noodles, but the dinner they provided was too good to miss. they served a salad made of capsicum, onions, tomatoes and cucumber, chicken and potato soup followed by roast chicken with mashed potatoes. I skipped the soup, and had some of the salad. Damn, I didn't realize just how much I missed having salads until I had some. I made a mitake of finishing most of my mashed potatoes, so I didn't have enough room for more than half of my chicken. For the first time, a lot of the SMA Cadets actually asked for a second helping of the mashed potatoes. We usually force down as much as we could before rushing off. How I wish every dinner was like that. But then again, skipping a couple of meals isn't all that bad either.

Day Six:

I finally got to paint something today!!! I've always wanted to paint something, but my dad doesn't even allow me to even mention it! Wow, it really made my week, painting that door! What made it simply heavenly was the fact that I painted the door with the hottest guy on board, Siersh!! Okay, time to calm down a little now, hahahaha. Hm, it was a fairly normal day, went around teasing every single person I know. Did some sanding, more slacking, listened to some music from my mp3 as well as Ashraf's Ipod as well. We had to watch a boring video which lasted over an hour. It was shot entirely on Pallada. It wasn't so bad if not for the fact that the whole video was in Russian, and I had no idea what was going on the whole time because there were no subtitles. Kosta asked for a massage, so I gave him one that lasted for ten minutes because his muscles were not tense at all.

Day Seven:

Hm, did some polishing, sanding and sweeping as usual today. Had a little tiff with Jason, but managed to smoothen things out within the hour. Chatted a bit with Siersh, god he isso krasivi!!! Promised him the last of the size "L" SMA shirt, which I will be giving him tomorrow. Tomorrow is the games day, and I am a little nervous but still, I am looking forward to it. Another enjoyable day for me, on the whole. Oh yes, I forgot to mention that I taught Kosta a little English today. I hope that I had been of some help to him. I also forgot to mention that I tried some of the Russian Wasabe. It looked a little thin and runny, so I put a small drop of it on my bread and took a bite. Oh my god, the Wasabe was so strong!!! It shot straight up my nose and into my head. Damn, the Russians were laughing so hard at me, their faces turned bright red! Another Russian asked me to massage him today, saying that Kosta had told him just how good I was. I relented, and after I was done with him, Baka rudely squeezed into the small space and asked me to massage him, not even waiting for my consent or anything. But I didn't want to kick up a big fuss, so I just did a quick massage, doing it anyhow just to get it done and over with, lol! I didn't like his attitude, and the rest of the girls didn't either.

Day Eight:

We only did some sanding today, as there was an "abandon ship" exercise after tea break (which means that the games were postponed). Now I can officially say that I took a swim in the South China Sea, woohoo!!! And that was my first jump without a life vest/jacket either. The water was a deep blue, but it was so clear that even without my specs on, I could see the color of the shorts the Russians were wearing. After the jump I took a shower, ate a pretty good dinner and Kosta taught me some Russian while we sat on deck. Siersh gave me something from his uniform, the gyuz, as a present and I managed to exchange a tee for a belt!! Wow, I finally got a beautiful belt!! Massaged Siersh for about 45 minutes, his muscles were so tense that my fingers almist cramped. Most of the students were unhappy with Mr. Foo, and I too, found him a little unreasonable (but I still remained a neutral party). But he, some time spent with Siersh and a present from him is more than enough me make me ecstatic!! :D

Day Nine:

Today we did quite a bit of rope-pulling. The initial plan was to set some of the sails up since the wind was quite strong. So all of us dorned the heavy harness and walked all over the place pulling ropes when needed to do so. After that we did the basic cleaning as usual before having the rest of the day off. The games were once more postponed till tomorrow, so after the cleaning we were supposed to have the rest of the day free. However, because the wind had calmed down a bit, we had to pull the sails up once more and switch back to the engines. So right now we are going at about 6 knots, which is pretty fast considering the fact that I am wishing with all my might that somehow, my trip on Pallada could be extended by another couple of months. I am beginning to love life on Pallada, out at sea. No major problems, no worries, few responsibilities. That is exactly how I want to live my life. Spent about 20-30 minutes massaging Siersh, he works way too hard for me to soften/ relax his muscles within fifteen minutes. And yes, I couldn't help but enjoy today as well.

Day Ten:

Today was a little slow, but I managed to climb up the Grot Machta one last time. Supposedly there might be bad weather in the next couple of days, so Captain Jimmy Chew asked the officer if the SMA Cadets could climb up the mast for one last time. Initially they said no because of the poor response, they didn't want to waste time and energy gathering the Russian cadets just for a handful of people. But in the end, there were about three instructors (Russian of course) who guided us along with about two or three of the Russian cadets who happened to be free at that time. I managed to climb all the way up to the Grot Bom Bramsel this time without any problems at all. I even managed to climb onto the platform without problems, woohoo!! My thighs also no longer cramp up like they did the first time. It was a little sad, to come and think about it, that today will be the last time for us to climb up the mast. Just as I was getting the hang of things as well! The games were held today, and as expected SMA just couldn't win against the Russians. But all the same, I had fun. The problem was that not only the SMA Cadets were weak physically as compared to the fitter Russian Cadets, we were also hindered by the language barrier because we didn't fully understand the instructions given. I did the pencil game whereby I had to put a pencil into a bottle using my mouth only. I managed to get second place, but got penalized because I didn't realise that my hands had to be behind my back at all times. After dinner, we had a short dancing session before the night ended at ten as everyone was pretty ustali.

Day Eleven:

The sea got really rough today as there was a mini storm. Everything was a shade of grey, including the water. The ship was rolling, pitching and pounding all at the same time, and on the upper deck I could barely stand the cold despite wearing multiple layers and my thick jeans. So I spent most of my day at the lower deck where it was warmer. Even Mr. Foo got seasick, and he was a seasoned Chief Engineer at that. I guess it has been some time since he went out to sea. Spending most of my time indoors wasn't too bad though, I had a lot of fun. I was teased a lot today, mostly by guys whose name I don't even know, lol! They seem to have a fetish for my cheeks, for some strange reason. I think every single one of them pinched my cheeks at least once just now. But all the same, I know that they are just teasing, trying to find something to do to while the time away, so I don't get bothered by what they said or did. I think I am becoming famous for my massages. I had to massage three people today who literally queued up beside me to wait for their turn, lol!!

*Accidentally skipped Day Twelve :P

Day Thirteen:

We arrived in Hong Kong one whole day ahead of schedule because a Russian Cadet fell down the stairs and hurt his jaw. So the lecturers made arrangements and we left Pallada at one in the afternoon to spend a couple of hours in Hong Kong. But Hong Kong is very similar to Singapore, so I didn't take any photos. But my friends did take a lot though, so I will most probably get the pictures from them or something. I got most of my shopping done today, so I don't really have much to buy tomorrow onwards. Also bought some food for Tyoma (or is it Atyom?? I forgot his name, OMG!!), Alex (the one who speaks the best English on board, lol) and Sierch. Alex was so grateful that he hugged and kissed me on the cheek. The first thought that crossed my mind when he did that was "You need a shave". Decided to change my SP hoodie with Tyoma's jacket, it is very cool and can only be found in Russia. Massaged a total of 4 guys today. Managed to relax their muscles in ten minutes for most of them. But I spent a full hour massaging Siersh. I knew because I kept my eye on the time. I stopped counting when he went off to smoke, but when he came back in about 5 minutes I had to continue. Not that I mind though, but this time it lasted at least two times longer than what he usually want me to spend massaging him. He must have been tired, the poor thing.

*To be Continued*

Woah, leaving so soon!!!

It's been a really long time since I last updated this blog, for some strange reason. Maybe because nothing blog-worthy has happened so far, apart from last Sunday whereby I met up with some of the ACERs to go swimming, have a meal and watch a movie. The Big Splash at Jurong was great, the meal was satisfying, the movie was entertaining, and the company was priceless :D Poor Leroy had to take care of me throughout the day, lol!

Today I had a full day of training for the ACERs. It was fun though, because the training was for game facilitation. That simply meant that it was a whole day of fun and games, literally. But then again, I had only 3 1/3 hrs of sleep the previous night, so I was more or less fighting to keep myself focused. But all the same, I had fun today. Leroy and some others couldn't join us, which is too bad really. Jerry was quite funny, the way he chased me all over the room with his oily hand :D Hm, I then had dinner with Alvin, O Gummy, and Steve at Clementi. Again, the company was good :D I am so lucky to have such friends, hahahahahahaha. At least they are interesting enough to keep me awake despite the fatigue...

I will be leaving this Sunday, of course. My packing is about 95% done, and the rest of the stuff are just lying around, waiting to be placed in the bag. I still need to get my toiletries together though, but that should not take me more than fifteen minutes to find everything, hahahahaha. Now that Thursday has come and gone, I realised that I no longer have the time to spend with my family before I sail, so the next time they will see me is when I get back at the end of March. But I think that this is a good break, hahahahahaha. I guess we all need a break from each other after 18 whole years of spending time with the same people day in and day out. Hopefully by the time I get back, I'll grow my fuse a little bit more and be more tolerating towards my sister (is that even right?? I think my English Language skills have flown out of the window long ago) because she has been getting on my nerves more and more frequently lately. But oh well, I definitely look forward to this trip!

I think that should be enough ranting to cover for the past week or so that I have not been updating this blog, as well as the following next two weeks should I not update this blog again before I sail off. Till then, Ciao!

Time: 0100
Date: 12/03/2010

Feeling bad...

Damn it, I really feel bad when my friends feel bad, but I cannot do anything to make them feel any better. I feel helpless in such cases, and nobody likes being helpless. I just hope that this particular friend of mine can hang in there for the time being. I shall hope for the very best for him, and I definitely hope that no matter what happens, he knows that I will always be there for him, and at least listen to his problems should he decide to confide in me. All the best!!!

On the other hand, I've been more or less killing my braincells, trying to find something to do in order to while my time away. Damn, this is the very reason why I dislike school holidays! You imagine, two and a half months of nothing to do. That is torture for someone with a very short attention span like me, lol! Hm, as much as I complain though, I know that I need this break. I just hope that the boredom doesn't kill me though.

I am so looking forward to the sailing trip. It would be my first, and hopefully not my last. I definitely want to go on more trips, especially with school! School trips are always cheaper, and more fun, because there'll be activities planned. Not that I am complaining, but even when we go on a holiday, my father would prefer to stay in the hotel room, hahahahhaha. But hey, better that than staying at home, right??

Anyway, I think that should be all the ranting that I want to do for tonight. It's getting a little late, and I am starting to feel a little bit sleepy despite the can of coke that I have just drunk. So ciao for now!

Time: 0155
Date: 28/02/2010

Been a long time...

Ah, it has been quite a while since I last blogged, I guess, hahaha! Hm, there were ups and downs, but since I survived through it all, it can't be all that bad, I guess. Hm, the Hong Kong trip was postponed. Actually cancelled, to be honest. Because there was supposed to be two trips, but they cancelled the first trip, the one I had wanted to go on. So I decided to go for the second trip instead of the first trip, and end up missing something I have been looking forward to for the past few weeks, SP Experience. Damn, life really isn't a bed of roses after all. But hey, it's been pretty smooth-sailing for me so far, so not much complains coming from me now, lol!

Apart from the postponed trip, there wasn't much else. Since the school holidays have already started and my busy schedule has been put on a halt right now, my life more or less have come to a halt too, sad to say. It's just that I have been so busy with school and its activities that it took too much of my time and became part of my lifestyle. But then again, I've never been one who is able to enjoy long holidays because of my uber short attention span. I will and do get bored easily, and then the rest of the holidays are just pure torture for me! To think that my holidays officially started on the 19th of February. I was dead by like, 21st of February. My attention span is that short, and what makes it worse is that since it ismy sister's exam period, she refuses to go out and when she doesn't want to go out, neither does my mother.

Given my father's, uhm... unreasonableness... I cannot go out and meet with friends to entertain myself. But then again, I guess it's a good way to save money for the trip. I have no idea why, but for the past few weeks or so I've been looking at the brighter side to things. And yeah, while it makes everything better, I sort of feel like an idiot after a while simply because I seem to smile most of the time. Ah, but better a smile than a frown right? Frown lines are so not nice on and 18.5 year old woman, lol!

Anyway, that should be all for now, I am getting tired of ranting for one night. Till next time, ciao!

Time: 2327
Date: 25/02/2010

Random :)

OMG, I've been rotting at home for the past two days doing nothing but watch television all day. But somehow doing that reminded me of my secondary school days, because that was how I spent my days away from school. Damn, I think I've watch enough television to last me for the next three months or so, considering I have not watched television on weekdays for a very long time now(in fact ever since I started semester two, year two!) so this is like, out of the norm for me.

Hm, I should be going to sleep in about an hour's time, since I have a gym session tomorrow at ten in the morning. It is just a trial session, but I have a very strong feeling that I will be signing up for the membership. I think I need to lose about ten to fifteen kilograms before I reach the 'normal' weight category suitable for my height (damn, I dislike being short when it comes to this weight issue, lol) so I will have to work hard during the school holidays. I think I should be able to lose some weight, juggling my part-time job, meeting friends and going to the gym (though both my job and meeting friends are NOT demanding at all, hehe).

I really dislike being stuck in a rut (I have not worked on any of my on-going stories for the past week at all!) simply because it makes me feel dull, for some strange reason. Hm, I know I should really get down to it and complete them (two altogether) but here I am, planing for the third story even before the previous ones are completed. But then again, maybe I can just draft out a character and story ot first before I get down to it (just in case I totally forgot about the idea I had, lol) and really let it flow.

Okay, enough ranting and whining for one night, I should go back to whatever I was doing earlier (at this point, I really can't remember, haha) so this is ciao!

Time: 0015
Date: 17/02/2010

Outing

Woah, I think it has been a long time since I last posted an entry (long by my standards, lol). My major exams are over, leaving me with statistics. But this time I am sure I will be able to make it, because I have been diligently doing the tutorials like I was supposed to, lol! Anyway, after my CRS presentation I went to Downtown East with a group of friends for dinner at a Japanese place. The food was not at all great but the company made up for it, definitely. Leroy joined our outing for the first time, and hell, I liked his company. Its easier to laugh with him around, somehow (this is despite the fact that he too, was quickly learning to make fun of my stomach size) and he even entertained me when I asked him to play 'rock scissors paper' with me. Damn, I didn't realise just how long I haven't been laughing till I actually laughed just now. Not that I am depressed or anything, but hey, exams are no laughing matter I guess.

Chinese New Year is just a couple of days away, which means that I would be a couple of days of boredom for me, unless my mom brought me to my uncle's place. There are plans for such a gathering, its just that I have no idea when it would take place, hahahahahahahahaha! I prefer my chinese side, as i have repeatedly said. No offense, but my malay side seems to like... act a little too coldly for my liking, lol. They only come find me when they have a new recipe!!! What am I, a chef (though I actually thoroughly enjoy cooking)?!

Okay, enough bitching and ranting, lol! I think that should be all for today. I am just glad that my dad is already asleep when I got home, otherwise I'd sport new bruises instead of a new blouse for CNY :D

Time: 1200
Date: 13/02/2010

Test

나는 몇 일 동안 블로그하지 않았습니다. 시험, 그리고오고있습니다 비록 내가 내 개정을 시작했습니다, 평소처럼, 난 집에 그렇게하지 않습니다. 이후 나는 이모의 집에 그냥 가야했다, 내가 버스를 여행하는 동안 자유 시간이 꽤됐다. 어떤 이상한 이유로, 나는 내 생각을 끊은 줄 알았는데 누군가했다. 그러나 다시, 내가 이동이 높은 시간에, 그래서 그것에 대해 죄책감을 전혀 느끼지 못할어요! 하지만 그 간격에서, 나는 꽤 많은 정상 며칠했다. 저는 한국에있는 내 블로그에서이 항목을 게시하려고 그래,하지만 난 그 BlogSpot에 한국어 언어 형식을 지원하는 것 같아하지 않으면 작동이 될 지 잘 모르겠습니다. 그래서 여기에 아무것도 아니 구만

Time: 0140
date: 07/02/2010

Mysterious aches and bruises?!

Why am I always inflicted with mysterious aches and bruises? Like last week, I had three bruises on me which reason of existance I could never know. And today my right thigh is aching like crazy (it didn't help with the fact that I walked all over the place either lol) even though I did more or less nothing yesterday. Maybe even my body is as crazy as my mind, lol! Hm, I guess bruises are fine, because they don't really get in my way, but I don't like feeling each of my muscle in my right thigh move (that's how I feel when I walked around with an aching thigh lol) because it is very uncomfortable! But what the hell, despite the discomfort I went to T22 all the way from SMA twice today, once to take-away my lunch, the other time for my foreign language class.

My father peeked in just now when he got home from work (he always does that when he comes home at night, for some strange reason) to make sure that I am here, I guess, lol! But when he is home and I come home at about six or something, he won't notice, for some strange reason. Then he will ask my mother and my sister what time I will be home, despite the fact that I am already in my room. On more than one occassion my mother will come into my room and say "Do you know that your father has no idea that you are already home? Why must you lock yourself up in the room? You are more like a tenant than an actual family member..."

I can't help it if I like and enjoy my solitude, do I? I mean, being alone is fun! It is liberating (even though the main reason I am alone most of the time is selfish and has nothing to do with anyone else, lol)! Listening to music, playing FB games and secretly doing my homework before someone comes in, that's what I like doing :D I have a reputation to upkeep in my family, hence all the secrecy (I kinda like my position as the bum of the family, the cute little black sheep hahahahahahahahahaha). Okay, enough weird stuff for one night, I shall be back to update most probably tomorrow (I had no idea that I would be able to complete my work so quickly, so this was an unplanned entry, lol!)...

Time: 2300
Date: 05/02/2010

Addiction to scented candles T.T

I think I am in trouble. I have been having trouble falling asleep for more than a week now, and as a last resort I bought some scented candles because I remember being so comfortable watching the candle burn and smelling the lovely scent at the same time as I fell asleep. So I bought a couple of candles, and last night I left one burning all night. I managed to get about six hours of sleep, and felt better than I did in a long time. But then I have a feeling that once I run out of candles, I might have trouble falling asleep again! Why must this happen to me??? LOL, I am complaining too much! Nevermind, one step at a time. I'll see if I can fall asleep without the candles or not :D I think today went pretty okay, met up with Clara and Ernie for lunch. I guess company once in a while when I am in school is alright. I won't die as long as the people I am with are not feeling down in the dumps :D

Teaching as pretty fun today, even though only about half of the class turned up. One student quit, but managed to find a replacement student, to take her place. They are positively cute!! I enjoy teaching, for some strange reason. I guess it is all that interacting, it puts me in a good mood because somehow I think I am the type of person who likes to meet new people while on the job :D On the whole, I think today was productive, hahahahahahahahahahahhaha! As it should be because I am still young, my days should be spent doing productive things instead of being wasted doing god knows what :D

Anyway, I think that should be all the ranting for today. I realised I didn't post anything yesterday, I guess I was too busy. But I forgot what I was busy with, lol! Anyway, I should be back with another update either tomorrow or Friday :D

Time: 2250
Date: 03/02/2010

OMG!!!

It has been a very long time since I blogged ( or at least to me, since I used to do it every single day, lol) because of my very full schedule. It definitely did not help with the fact that I actually have been having trouble sleeping for the past week! Lights off at half past eleven, but still awake at half past one! Oh my god! I am amazed that I can last this long, lol! But then again, I strongly believe in SUCK IT UP, BE A MAN AND MOVE ON for some strange reason. No matter what happens I will just suck it up and do what I am supposed to do. That is how life works I guess, nothing will slow down just because you lack sleep! But on a much better note, I managed to get two scented candle at Harris! Oh the scent is just WOW! The two I picked have a very strong but wonderful scent, Midsummer's Night and Forrest Pine (I think, lol!) while the one my sister took was something much milder. Hm, once again, I paid for it, lol! But not really complaining, since I am the one who has a job and stuff. Besides, my sister has never worked a single day in her life, and I don't think she sees the need to in the near future :D I guess that should be all for today, I shall update about the roadshow I helped out with tomorrow, lol!

Time: 2315
Date: 01/02/2010

Damage control (for the umpteenth time!!!!)

No thanks to my fickle classmates, the sailing trip to Hong Kong was almost cancelled to all DMTM students (me included!!). Thankfully I managed to catch Captain Fred and did some damage control. So now it is still open to DMTM students, though in limited numbers as there are only six of us going. Just because we are shore-based doesn't mean we can't go and have some fun out at sea, people! I will not let fickle people spoil things for the rest of us, that I am certain of. Hm, it occured to me that I am always the one doing damage control be it among friends, classmates and lecturers or family members. Why can't I be the damage for once? Hahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha! That will be the day Fatin Rasyidah Bte Mohd Rashiad stops being the damage control person and BE the damage instead! Hm, but then again, I always feel like it is my responsibility to smoothen things out for everyone. Not that it bothers me anyway. I am way used to it by now. But sometimes I can't help but wonder what it would be like for me to be the one causing everyone else trouble instead, lol! Hm, enough about such childish dreams. I had a pretty good (albeit lazy) day today. I was supposed to take a walk home, ended up on the freaking bus instead. OMG! Lazy pig!!! Hm, I have to definitely go jogging this Friday morning before school. I should probably stop eating so much as well, since I am so not moving at all. I mean come on, the moment I stepped into the house, the only movement I make is when I walk from my room to the master bedroom's toilet for a shower, before walking back to my room when I am done. That cannot constitute as exercise, I think, hahahahahahahahahahahaha! Anyway, I think that should be all today, I've been negative enough in the past few days to actually cover for the rest of the year! So no more negativity coming from me for the rest of the year!!!! (It'll be good if I can last till the end of this week, lol!) And to think that I actually told my friend that I would try to be a little more positive. That goes to show that you shouldn't shoot your mouth off just because your friend said something negative to you!!!! I think that should be all for today... :D

Time: 2045
Date: 26/01/2010

Happy!!!

For some strange reason, I was happy all throughout the second half of today in school. I mean, I don't mind being happy, but I think that there should actually be a reason behind that happiness, lol! Hm, as usual, all emotions (negative or otherwise) fled me the moment I reached home. Home is the place where I am generally devoid of feelings for some strange reason. Whatever problems I have in school will disappear the moment I step into my room, and all my personal (home stuff) problems will disappear the moment I step out of the house. I am that kind of person, though I don't know why. Hm, I think from another point of view, it would be better because it means that I don't mix my problems up. Oh wait, I just remembered why I was so high just now, I had four chicken drumlets during the foreign language class, and they were magnificent! LOL! I don't feel like a noob anymore now that I know the reason to my happiness! Anyway, I am planning to walk home tomorrow, since I finish at half past five and have nothing else on. I want to clear my mind before I start working, and a walk is the best way to do it. Besides, it has been a really long while since I last took a nice walk. I am going to make sure that my bag is as light as it could possibly be tomorrow :D Speaking of taking walks, I have officially signed up for a trial week at a gym. Not that I am undecided about it, I have more or less confirmed that I want to join that particular gym. It is just that with school, its activities and my job, not to mention the upcoming exams, I don't think I am able to find the time. So I made an appointment for the 17th of February, at ten in the morning. I don't have school anymore then, not to mention the following paper will be on the 18th February. After the gym session, I will have better blood circulation, which will result in a more productive revision for my Statistics, lol! But then again, I will start my revision much earlier than just the day before, so there isn't much to worry about, I think. Despite the fact that I have never been to a gym in my life, and do not have a single clue as to how the machinery works and stuff, I am actually looking forward to it. Who knows, I might just be able to get my stamina backand be able to swim thirty laps in one shot once more, and maybe even more. There is nothing wrong for little girls to dream, anyway ;) Anyway, I think that is enough ranting for now, will be back pretty soon for an update.

Time: 2235
Date: 25/01/2010

Tri-lingual

I just realised that everyone (and I mean every single one) in my family can speak three languages. My father speaks English, Malay and Arabic, my mother speaks English, Malay and Hokkien, my sister speaks English, Malay (a little bit) and French, while I speak English, Malay (a little bit) and Korean. It is almost like an obligation to be able to speak more than the standard languages in my family. Hm, at least it makes it more interesting (not that anyone can understand me when I speak Korean, nor my sister when she speaks French). But my sister and I are at least trying to pick up each other's language, so that we can converse more fluently in both French and Korean instead of just either language. I am currently wondering what I should have for beakfast tomorro because I have a feeling that there will not be anything to eat again. Maybe I'll just eat in school in the morning. I can then skip lunch, and have a lunch/ dinner at half past five at FC 6. For some reason, I love FC 6. The food is cheap, and the portion is just right for me. Not to mention eye candy as well, mwuahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha! I am starting work this coming Wednesday, and nervous as I am, I will look forward to it positively. I think I am going to sleep pretty soon, but then again, I don't really see the need to sleep so early since I will be waking up at half past eight anyway. Sometimes I really wonder why I become the middleman for my Captains as well as my classmates. Everytime there is an upcming event, the same thing happens over and over again. People indicate their interest, confirmed it, and I send it in and the next thing I know, there will be people telling me they want to pull out. And when I tell the Captain that they want to pull out, a couple of days later, the come back to me and tell me to put their name back in. It occurs a few times, this vicious cycle, until the one who ends up looking fickle is me! I have never been fickle in my life, and I don't like looking like a fickle person, neither do I actually like entertaining fickle people. But then again, it is my responsibility to do so, so I am going to just suck it up like a man and do my job with gritted teeth, lol!!!! Anyway, enough complaining for today!!! I am so looking forward to tomorrow (Monday).

Time: 2305
Date: 24/01/2010

I HAVE HOPE!!!!!!!!!

I was checking my email, for the second time today hahahahahahahahaha, and read my daily horoscope. Today's one fill me with a lot of hope, for some strange reason, hahahahahahahhahahaha. Maybe it's because for the first time in a really long while, it is actually applicable to me!!!! Here it is:

Denying your crush won't make it go away, no matter how much you want it to.
Admit that you are attracted to this person. It doesn't mean you have to act on it.
Before you know it, the feeling will pass.

Yes! hat is exactly what I have been hoping for!!! The feeling to pass!!! Woohoo!!! LOL! Hm, I think I am making something really negative sound positive, but really, the person is not someone I am supposed to have a crush on, especially when I do not want to lose my friendship (or rather acquaintance, because I am not that close to him or anyone for that matter, lol) that I have with him. I was also feeling rather peaceful for most of today (reason being I was alone on long bus rides all over Singapore, hahahahahahahaha!) and even bought chocolate fondant. As usual, I bought two, as my dad is a diabetic and I don't encourage him to eat too much sugary stuff, and my mother doesn't eat these kind of things, leaving me and my sister. I always end up being nice to my sister despite the fact that she is really bitcy towards me. Hell, my parents and sister treat a stray cat better than they do me. I mean, my mother can buy special cat food so that the cat won't hurt its teeth, but she can't seem to cook a simple dish for me to eat after a long and tiring day at school. Not that I mind though, I am trying out something new. I am going to live my life, and leave them out of it as much as possible, and they can do the same. This way it saves everyone from heartache!! Hehehe, am I a genius or what? But then again, I can't seem to turn my bck on my responsibilities, so this was more of a daydream than anything else. But if anything, I don't mind shouldering my responsibilities, it's who I am, hahahahahahahahaha. Anyway, off to enjoy my love affair ;)

Time: 2135
Date: 23/01/2010

In school...

Blogging in school but this time with my own laptop. I think it has been one year since I last brought my laptop out of my house, lol! I don't really like bringing my laptop to school because I tend to acted by it, especially when I need to use the laptop in class. I ended up chatting while doing my research. Thankfully I managed to get about three quarters of it done within ten minutes, otherwise I will swear off bringing my laptop to school again! Hm, I think I shall continue with this later when I get home...

Time: 1740
Date: 22/01/2010

Starting a new job

Hm, I guess in a way, it is not really a new job, because I've been a relief teacher before. But I've never actually had a whole class to my own, as in, I am the actual teacher for that lesson, and not just the relief. It is something new, and though I am a little worried that I might end up teaching the kids the wrong thing (me and my friends agree that not only that I am abnormal, I tend to be a little stupid at times) and that would be a total no-no. But then again, I am so looking forward to this. I mean come on, where and when else can I get the experience of being a teacher??? But then again, I have to reconfirm the sailing dates, so that I can arrange for a relief to take over me for a couple of days or so. Hopefully only one day, because it might reflect badly on me, since I did say that I am able to make it every single Wednesday. I kind of like working for the MOE, because it means that I have CPF!! Hahahahahahahahahahahahahaha I think I am the only kid who actually thinks about all these kind of things. But then again, you might never know what will happen in the future. I've divided my money already, so no matter what happens my "assets" are taken care of, lol! Hm, speaking of something happening, I really wonder how other people can die from overdosage. I think it is more or less impossible. But negative matters aside, I am going to watch a movie tomorrow!!! With my friends!!!! And I don't have to worry about my dad scolding me when I reach home late because he won't be home either!!!! Wow, what a good day today has been. But I am not too sure about tomorrow though, because even though I am looking forward to the outing, I have a feeling that I might get let out in conversation. As an abnormality of nature, I have few things in common with the rest of the people out there. I can try, but there is only so much I can think of before I revert back to my 'freak of nature' way of thinking again, lol! But hey, I love the way I think, which is why I think that way (does this make any sense?)! What the hell, I don't even know what I mean most of the time, so who cares anyway, hahahahahahhahahahahahaha :D

Time: 2215
Date: 21/01/2010

Retest :)

For the first time in my whole life, I actually had to sit for a retest. Not that I mind though, but when I heard that the maximum marks I can possibly get from the retest is 38 (just so that I passed the whole thing overall) I got kinda irritated. I stayed back for two whole days till late just to revise, not to mention the fact that I made a friend stay back really late with me just so that he could teach me (and on Friday he ended a whole five hours earlier I did and yet he waited for me!) makes the whole thing unfair, I think. It is more unfair for him, in a sense. But on a better note... I don't know what is better, lol! I thought I could reach home before seven today, since I will be reaching home only at nine or after four out of five days this week. But I ended up reaching home at half past nine today when I had to go out for dinner with the rest of the family becausemy dad wanted to meet his friend for dinner. Damn, it is going to be quite a long week, but then again, I don't think I will mind it as much. At least I confirm will have my Sunday to rest :) young people shouldn't rest too much when we can do something useful anyway! Going to school about an hour early as usual for tomorrow, but I am not sure if I am going to meet Lou for lunch or not. I smsed him this afternoon, yet till now I have yet to receive a reply from him. If by tomorrow at half past nine I don't receive his reply, I am going to go ahead and have a brunch instead. I don't really like eating during the lunch hour, the queues are like, uber long, and everywhere is packed. But then again, I generally don't eat lunch, even if I had nothing in the morning. Hm, skipping meals is ot a very good habit to have, which is why I am eating brunch (I've been nagged at too much by my 'stepmother'). It may not sound very nice right now, but I am definitely looking forward to the weekend when I don't have to set four alarms just so that I can wake up in time to get to school twenty minutes before lessons start. Overall today was pretty good :D

Time: 2215
Date: 20/01/2010

Study Session

Haiz, poor Ernie had to put up with an uber cranky and pissed off me just now when he was trying to teach me statistics for tomorrow's test. Damn, I thought I had learned to control my temper better by now. To think that a stupid module like that can set it off effortlessly. Sorry Ernie (and most probably ZH too)!!! I really wonder what my friends see in me, because my temper can sometimes be worse than my dad's, and that is saying something. But then again, I am as loyal as Leos are known for, and wise as well (*winks*) hahahahahahahhahahahahahahaha. Actually I am just kidding. I don't think I am wise, if I am I wouldn't do a lot of things. But then again, being unwise is a more interesting way to live, in my opinion. Otherwise how am I supposed to learn if i don't make any mistakes at all?! Besides, I am not my sister, I think she is such a perfectionist, even her character is perfect! Well, maybe not towards me, because I have such a talent when it comes to my sister(only I am able to bing out the worse in her effortlessly). Wanted to eat at Mac's but it was closed! OMG!!!! But then again, I just ate that last week on Friday, when I had a study session with Ernie. God, he's such a genius. But he is actually quite a nice dude, very cute and extremely likeable. He gets away with anything (with me anyway, lol) I think mainly because if you really think about it, he doesn't really mean any harm. I was also informed that I have been selected for the ten day sailing trip despite the fact that there was supposed to be an interview before the final selection was made, and I have yet to even go for the interview, let alone be shortlisted. But hey, who am I to complain? I worked my ass off for the school on a couple of occassions, I think I deserved to be considered for this trip seriously at the very least :D Hm, I think I should be going to sleep now, because I have another early class and yet another very long day tomorrow...

Time: 2305
Date: 19/01/2010

Korean Class...

Hm, for some strange reason beyond my understanding, Christabelle was laughing at me all throughout the two hours that we were in the foreig language class. But she reminded me of how I used to be like, amazingly enough. I once was able to make people laugh just by a look, but that was quite some time back now. But then again, I wasn't exactly trying to make anyone laigh either just now. Even the four dudes sitting behind us were laughing along! Haiz, does this mean my joker days are back? I should be happy! But then again, whenever I make people laugh, they tend to take me lightly, and that even the serious matters turn into a joke. That cannot be good can it? I mean, what if I suddenly say that there is an emergency? They might think that I am joking as well! But on the whole today, I had a great time. Christabelle's laughter, fortunately for me, was not catching so I wasn't an idiot, laughing at myself! But I did wish that she did not point out that weirdo I have a mild dislike for. I mean come on, he's like nineteen going on to twenty, and he still sounds as though his voice has yet to break. Not to mention the fact that I think he and his fellow guy friend is a little bit sissy-like. But then again, who am I to judge? I mean, they may look and sound like sissies, but then again I am not exactly very lady-like either!!! Anyway, there is a plan to go watch movies this Friday, and I hope that they don't cancel it. I have been wanting to watch a movie for so long now but I just can't seem to find the right time! Anyway, time to go for now, ciao!

Time: 2215
Date: 18/01/2010

I walked away, again!

It is not the first time I walked away before a full friendship can be developed. In fact, I just did it again twenty minutes ago. I always walk away before things become too serious and I end up bonding with the other person/ people. I can't help it, it is a defense mechanism I have, lol! I don't really know what brought that about... maybe I am naturally a very distant person. I walked away before I get hooked... I am so sorry for turning my back on you, H. But like you said, I no longer owe you anything, so I can leave with a peaceful mind :D Besides, we have always been opposite people anyway, there was no point in the friendship if we are just going to end up arguing on every single thing, no matter how entertaining that made our acquaintance. I have a lot of that, I realise... the acquaintances. And I like to keep things that way... haiz, reading diaries from 3-5 years ago is a major mistake... those were my angsty years, lol! Thank god I feel much... number(??) now. It's better to feel numb than angry. At least you can get rid of the numbness for short periods of time, but anger is like and overriding program or something, hahahahahahaha! Time to let go of the past... but not before one last quick read, for old times' sake ;)

Time: 2315
Date: 17/01/2010

Ignore me once, shame on you. Ignore me twice, shame on ME

I said that in one of the diaries I wrote while I was in secondary school. Since I have nothing to do, I reached up to the storage compartment at my study table and found one of my diaries. It was written in year 2007, so most of the writing was remotely legible, lol! Hm, I didn't realise how... hollow... I was back three years ago. those entries I read, they revolved around me feeling empty, hahahahahahaha! I am different now, though only slightly. At least I actually have times I enjoy now, which is a tremendous improvement. Hm... following are the most common phrases I found written in my diaries (when there was no such thing as blogging, lol!!!!)

1) My mother is such a hypocrite...
2) I am beginning to enjoy my solitude more and more...
3) I am not a fool who cannot see how I am being treated...
4) I am giving her one more chance, if she blows this one, I am copletely giving up on her...

The fourth one, of course, is only a thought which was never carried out. LOL! My sense of responsibilities will never allow me to turn my back on anyone, even for the briefest moment. I also found a verse from a Linkin Park song, for some strange reason, but somehow, I can connect to it, even now. But then again, I can connect to all the songs in Linkin Park's Meteora. Those were the angst filled days. They are long gone now, nothing I feel now contains even a fraction of the strong hatred and passionate anger I felt back then. Which only proves that I was right when I tell people that being angry is pointless because it only uses up energy...

Breaking the habit:

I don't want to be the one the battles always choose
Cause inside I realise that I am the one confused
I don't know what's worth fighting for
Or why I have to scream
I don't know why I instigate and say what I don't mean
I don't know how I got this way, I'll never be alright
So I'm breaking my habit tonight...

Easier to Run:

If I could change I would
Take back the pain I would
Retrace every wrong move I made I would
If I could stand up and take the blame I would
I could take all my shame to the grave I would


These two will always be my favorite songs all time!!! LOL :D

Anyway, I think that should be all for today (for some strange reasong I am in a mood for reminiscing...), going to go and stare at my facebook page, lol!

Time: 2115
Date: 17/01/2010

Studying???

Hm, thanks to a friend of mine, studying could never be more fun (I think), lol! Who knew that stats can actually be so... funny??? He sat there, reading my notes and trying to study while I try to locate delta and y circuits (??) that he simply scribbled out on a piece of paper. Those brought back memories (I am not sure whether they are pleasant or not though) from my primary school days, which I spent reading science guides as well as encyclopedias. I am not so sure why I loved those back then, but the novels and other story books didn't really hold my attention, unless it was mystery/ thriller. Yes, I was such a pathetic kid. But hey, I have got a mean streak in me which I have yet to get rid off, lol! No thanks to my best friend, who was quite a fighter with a broom. Wow, I think I kind of miss those days when I spent recess wrestling guys, broom-fighting with my (male) best friend. I don't fight with girls, they can't fight even to save their lives. I mean, who can stand all the slapping of hands and scratching??? Even cats fight better than that I think. Sissies!! Hm, back to the study session... having fun studying with that friend of mine gave me the idea of 'kidnapping' him closer to my exams, I mean, just for a couple of days just for stats. I am not going to care whether he knows or not what I will be studying. I just find that revising with him is a lot more productive as compared to studying alone, since studying alone will make me feel bored and sleepy (which results in nothing entering my brain at all). I guess that is all for now, I have to go and shower, LOL!!!

Time: 2205
Date: 15/01/2010

Another cause for celebration!!!!

Today I got myself a new pair of grandparents, lol! All in the name of having fun :D Both dudes (yes, even my halmoni is a guy :D) are from my Korean class, and we kinda like... fooled around a little bit more today as compared to the usual. Hm, I think I've been high for a whole day, and finally showing some signs of coming back down, hahahahahahahaha! Thought about HIM for a little bit today, but forced it out and concentrated one Cute Braces Dude instead. I just realised that I made the braces sound cute instead of the person, lol! But on the whole, today was a damn good day! Hm, I think time to wind down a little though, otherwise I may not be able to get a decent night's sleep. I have a CRS essay test tomorrow, something that I am confident I am able to pass because I have done all the research and planning yesterday. All is left is to develop those points that I have written out into proper, structured sentences. Good ol' Ernie has agreed to stay back late (like really late, since he ends at twelve tomorrow!!!) to help me with my stats. I have a retest for the theory part of that module next Wednesday. Hm, usually my theory is the one that helps pull my poor practical marks. But surprisingly this time it is the other way around. LOL! New year= new results???? Anyway, I guess that is all for now... time to wind down!!!

Time: 2220
Date: 14/01/2010

Cute Guys :D

I didn't realise just how many cute guys there were in Singapore Poly until I spoke to one just now without actually realising that he is indeed one of out students, let alone a year two student. OMG, he is damn cute, and he wears braces, not that I mind, because I used to wear them too. But he is a little on the short side though. And there might be a danger of him actually being younger than me. Even a few months is a nono for me, for some strange reason I will start feeling like those cougar women, praying on young men, hahahahahahahahaha! But who in the world am I kidding??? I still have a crush on that guy, omg! I tried to distance myself, tried to forget about it, tried to get over it, to no avail. Haiz, God, please don't tell me I'll be stuck on this one the way I was with the previous one!!!! I'll be wasting my youth if I keep getting such crushes! Ooh, moving on, crush or no crush that cute guy was way damn cute just now! LOL! He was cute enough to get my mind off HIM for a couple of moments, at least during the time I was talking to him and his friend, who happened to be one of my classmate's cousin. Ah, I think from now on I shall have more hope... can daydream about cute (albeit short) guys :D Apart from that, I have been feeling strangely high all day. Might be due to the lack of sleep and fatigue. It's not the first time I was hyper due to fatigue, anyway. Gotten used to this already, ahahahahahaha. Anyway, time to go for now, Ciao!

Time: 2210
Date: 13/01/2010

The energizer bunny going into overdrive!!

I seriously think something is wired wrongly up in my head, lol! Whenever I get tired, I start to think about things I normally would not think about, like my relationships with my friends, that is if I have any at all. I just found out just how pessimistic I am, well, according to one of my friends anyway. Is it really that bad, to want to protect yourself? I trusted people before, people I thought would never betray me, and I was wrong. I mean, if family members can betray each other, let alone strangers, who have no blood relation or bond whatsoever. I don't bond, and that makes my mother really depressed, and my sister worried for some strange reason. I won't mention why here, though I don't think anyone reads my blog anyway. I have always been a lone wolf, and I think, will always be one... right now I am kind of stuck with a group of people. Actually I am not really stuck with them, but rather, I am stuck because of them. They are nice to me, protective, sometimes sweet... making me laugh and smile, etc... and I can't help but start feeling rather defensive. I am starting to second guess the reasons why they are being so nice to me. I've been taught the hard way, always second guess people's motives for being nice. I took things for granted once, and when the blows came, I more or less fell apart. Thank god I was younger then, which meant I learnt pretty early on.

Three lessons I learnt:

1) Never reach out to somebody else, especially when I am in trouble.
2) Never depend on anyone else but myself.
3) Never trust someone with my heart.

I learned all of the above in primary and lower secondary. It's amazing to me even now, how I managed to get through that period. I may have forgiven the people in question, but I am the type who never lets go. Because if I do, everything might unravel itself, and I'll fall apart once more. I moved on with more anger than I did with purpose, but it has served me well, that anger. It kept me safe and protected all along...

But on a more cheerful note, I think I have a pretty good chance to go sailing this March! Let's hope I can pick the slot, because the second slot would suit me better, no thanks to my job. If I take the second slot, I would only have to get a replacement teacher for a week. Otherwise I would have to get a replacement teacher for two weeks, and I don't think it would reflect well on me because I did commit ten whole weeks to teach those secondary school students. Hm, if I get to go, I'm going to do a lot of shopping, maybe buy some things from Disneyland as well (that is if we have time to go shopping)! It's going to be yet another busy week for me, but I am looking forward to it! I am SMA's energizer bunny, lol. I certainly will not give in to fatigue (as though I have done so before, lol)! Shida hwaiting! Hahahahahahaha

Time: 2310
Date: 11/01/2010

SP Openhouse 2010

Hm, I managed to survive three days of duty. Not that I was down for duty in the first place, I was only supposed to be on duty from 1300-1500 & 1600-1800 on Saturday today). But the simulator was seriously shorthanded, so there I was, from 0930-1800 for the first two days of the openhouse. I spent all three days running around, but it was kind of fun, so no complains here, lol! Hm, following are the highlights from my three days on duty:

Day One:
A damn busy day for me. The simulator was severely shorthanded. I arrived shorty before 0950, and the few that were on duty arrived only after me, even though the thing was supposed to start at ten in the morning. Not to mention that the lecturer in charge left me in charge before rushing off because he was supposed to be in three places at once, and there are no other lecturers available. So I quickly assigned duties while Elaine called up Captain James, and someone else called Captain Frederick. Spent the rest of the day shuttling between ushering duties as well as the briefing in the Engine Room. Went home tired but somehow satisfied.

Day Two:
Was scared almost shitless when a group of secondary school girls asked to take my picture, on the basis that I was 'cute'. When I refused and ran back into the simulator to escape, they actually chased after me!!! Thankfully, a bus chose to appear just then, and I lied to them, saying that if they miss this bus, the next bus would only come in half an hour's time. Thankfully I learned how to lie from my mother and sister, though I feel guilty about that, lol! Hm, I am sure I was not so back when I was their age. But the best part of the day was that I got a cap, albeit a really ugly one, from SMA.

Day Three:
I think that today was the best day in all of the three days. I had Zack to partner me for my first shift, and I think we did pretty okay :D Then I had a one hour break which I spent most of in the simulator (where else, hahahaha) before dragging poor Ernie to be my partner. Benjamin joined us, and in the end, Ernie just sat down while Ben and I helped each other out with the guiding. Thank Ben!! LOL! Hm, I think we make a pretty good pair of guides :D hahahahahahaha. The best part of the day: Ernie forgot his biology lessons from secondary school, leading to hilarious results!!!! HE MIXED RETINA AND RECTUM UP! OMG, I was laughing my ass off right now even as I think about it again! I think he is the only person I know who has his rectum in his head instead of his lower torso. I would really like to know how he does his big business, and from which part of his face it came out off. Sorry Erie, just kidding ;) But I can't really help it, he is too hilarious for words! I think such cuteness should be illegal! Thanks Ern, for brightening up my shift for me :D

I guess that should be all for now, I want to go and play a couple of rounds of Bejeweled Blitz on facebook...

Time: 2130
Date: 09/01/2010

Distant

I've been told repeatedly that I am too distant. My sister says that, My mom says that, my friends and seniors say that to me. Everyone expects me to pour out every single one of my problems just because they told me theirs, lol! But the thing is, despite being really talkative, when it comes to matters that bother me, they remain mine. I absolutely refuse to tell anyone else. The things I tell to a select few is something not exclusive. You ask me, you'll get the details. It will be here in this blog as well, hahahaha. I am not the type to lean on others, so I am sorry H, I won't tell you anything no matter how many times you ask me. But ultimately, I am not the type to share when it comes to problems. If it is mine, it stays mine. There is no way I will learn how to lean on others when other people are relying on me to support them. I will not show such weakness, lol! I saw someone just now, and I remembered someone I have tried hard to forget. Not to mention just now my mother got slightly bothered when I called home, and sounded exactly like my older brother. Even after I reached home, I still sounded like him. But the thing is, I have always sounded like this, so why was she bothered? But then, looking back, she was always bothered when I sound like Yan. Damn, I have no idea what to say to that. I am who I am, I sound like me. It's purely coincidental, she is reading way too much into this matter. My poor naive mother told me that she read about hypnosis in the malay paper some time back, and told me that she wanted to send me for it. She really wants to know why my unhappiness seems so deep-rooted. LOL! I think when she finds out, she'll be wishing that she had not known instead... hahahahahaha. On the whole, today is quite a good day, even with my mother spouting nonsense straight to my face :D

Time: 2110
Date: 08/01/2010

Busted Back

Damn, this should not be happening to me! My back went bad on me in the middle of a dam busy week! I don't have the luxury of time to take a proper rest! Neither do I actually have enough time to go to the doctor's for a painkilling jab either! Why must this happen to me?! But on the whole, apart from being as stiff as a board, my mood couldn't be any better actually. Had a great time goodie-bag packing, thanks to ZH, Zack, Zack (the malay dude), and not forgetting, Ernie. Ernie is a true joy to work with, in fact they all are. They made such laborious job seem so much fun!! Even though I wouldn't be so stiff if I had not done the job in the first place. Even getting out of jeans was such a torture! For the first time in my life, I actually dislike jeans, lol! But enough whining for now, I just have to focus on just how much fun I had thanks to the guys. Seriously, I owe them big time!!!

P.S.: How in the world can I kill a cockroach when I am too afraid to be within ten meters of that prehistoric monster?!

Time: 2205
Date: 06/01/2010

Packed Schedule...

By four in the afternoon just now, I just more or less confirmed that I no longer have a free weekday until the school holidays begin on the 13th February. There goes my Wednesdays, LOL! For some strange reason, that cheers me up. I guess not having free time simply means that I don't have to think much about anything else apart from work and school. The only thing that brings down my mood by a minute fraction is the fact that I have to start revision latest by next week, which is a little ridiculous considering next week is only the second week of school. But then again, excluding this week I only have four more weeks till my SE. Oh well, time to suck it up, and move on like a real man. I guess enough complaining for now, hahahahahahaha!

Time: 2030
Date: 05/01/2010

Blogging in school... haiz

Damn, it was bloody hard to get up at half past six this morning!!!! Ended up waking up at ten to seven instead, and barely made it in time for lessons, lol. But then again, the lecturer is starting late, for some reason. He has yet to start in fact. He's still drawing cute little boats on the whiteboard, looking more like sampans instead of the vessel I am sure they are supposed to be, lol! Hm, I seem to be in a better mood today. I hoped the class would end a little early so that I would have time to eat a late brekkie and skip lunch, but all hopes have evaporated now as I watch the lecturer label his little sampans :) Anyway, I think I should end here for now, just in case he feels like starting.

Time: 0825
Date: 05/01/2010

Endless problems...

Haiz, I think I shall stop trying to change my blogskin after all. It is nice and simple, so I shall stick to it for now. I've got two major (to me anyway) problems right now, the first being money. How can I ask someone who owes me money to return it without feeling guilty? I know fifteen dollars is not such a big amount, but that amount can get me through three days of school. But in the first place, why am I feeling guilty? I guess I just don't like hounding people for money, of all things. I can hound them for the other stuff, but never money. Two months to pay fifteen dollars... I guess it is indeed a bit too long a period. But that issue aside, I think there is one other problem bugging me this very moment. HOW IN THE BLOODY WORLD AM I SUPPOSED TO BE IN TWO PLACES AT THE SAME TIME?! Damn, I really hate my schedule right now. I think in about two weeks' time, I'll be busy all fve days during the weekday, since I took on a teaching job. But that is not the main problem, this Wednesday is!!! How can I be at a compulsory dry run AND a make-up class at the same time?! Make up class is from 1530-1730, and the dry run is from 1500-1800. Haiz, this time it is very hard to pick because I only have exactly one month left before my exams. Four weeks is hardly enough to learn new things and do revision, not to mention the fact that I have got more than a couple of very heavy subjects to study for. But those problems aside, I got myself an SP Hoodie! Yay me!!! It is damn comfortable, not to mention that the quality is actually not bad, considering the price. Quite a few of my friends liked it when they saw it, and one of them is definitely going to buy it soon, lol! Ah, to think that I only just got home twenty minutes ago...

Time: 2120
Date: 04/01/2010

Gosh, how is it possible that I am still so moody despite walking home from dover? This was the route I took: Dover MRT > Clementi > Toh Tuck > Bukit Batok East > Home. It was supposed to be a walk long enough to take my mind off things, but still when I reached home, the moodiness was still there. I can't function normally, acting like a noob when I nearly got off at the wrong station. Meeting friends didn't even help. Damn, I think I am getting way too old when all I feel is moody. No more frustration, no more anger, no more tears... just moodiness. Is this what they call mellowing with age? But if I push my moodiness aside, today was actually quite nice. Thanks guys, so much, for putting up with me. LOL, if I were my friends, I would have stopped contacting me long ago. This has been a very bad start for the year for me. Let's just hope it gets better as the time goes by, I am not sure how long I can stand being tHis moody... hm, I guess that should be all for today, I have nothing much I want/ need to say anyway...

Time: 1945
Date: 03/01/2010

Haiz, I tried to change the blogskin for my new blog, and failed miserably. I am going to have to approach a friend for this, hahahahaha. Anyway, I was just rotting around, and something suddenly crossed my mind (what's left of it anyway). It's been more than a month now, that I have a crush on him. I want to get rid of this feeling, I don't like it. I always 'fall for' guys that I should be keeping away from. Not to mention the fact that my previous crush lasted for more than fifteen months. It was pure torture, you know, to be a confidante of your crush and have him tell you of his feelings for other girls. But I somehow managed to live through that, only to almost have it repeating again, but this time with another guy. The only thing that is not that bad about this crush is that he does not tell me about his feelings/ relationships with other girls. I really should move on, I guess. I certainly don't want a repeat of the previous case. I was hurt, though I know it is my own fault I can't help my feelings. That's why I don't like crushes and stuff, you'll just end up hurt. But then again, if it was easy, they won't call it a crush, would they? LOL! Hm, I should think that is all for today, so this entry is rather random, lol. I have a feeling that this year's blog will be very random. But then again, those who know me better will realise long time ago that I am indeed a very random person. It makes life more fun anyway, lol...

Time: 0305
Date: 02/01/2010